Your Thoughts Now: 2

i think that this writing down the thoughts that are in your head without bothering to make sense of them is starting to make sense.

first of all, i want to kill this shameless hussy who is flirting with MY twitterman.

second of all, i don't know how to confirm or deny once and for all the persistent rumors that twitterman - may BE gay.

third - i am going back to getting on a better diet and eating plan as i have just been reminded that a notorious diabetic gene exists in my family. having seen the physical devastation it has wrought on various family members, i have no inclination to suffer from it.

fourth - i still can't get over the fact as to how good MY twitterman is looking now with the added muscles on his frame. PLEASE GOD LET HIM BE STRAIGHT. my gaydar has never failed before but like all things - there is always a first time. PLEASE GOD DON'T LET THIS BE THE FIRST TIME MY GAYDAR FAILS.

fifth - i am wondering what to do tomorrow as it is my day off and i don't want to spend it trapped doing household chores. so i am staying up a little bit late doing the laundry. and other bits and bobs.

i am also every now and then uttering a silent prayer for my friend who needs comfort and love right now. i want her to know she is in my thoughts and of course, my prayers for her safety and recovery.

i am beginning to think as i read back some of the things i had written in my older blogs that this new one is utterly boring and useless. i am tempted to rip out the better ones i had written previously and paste them in the new one to comfort myself with the thought that when i am in the right frame of mind - i can actually write.

i've been reminded yet again that my worries are all petty and useless. there is really nothing much more to do in this life than take it by the horns and do something with it.

Your Thoughts Now

am writing this because in one of those daily inspiration sites i subscribe to, they sent me this line saying - write down your thoughts now as the unsolicited words are often the richest.

i don't know necessarily if my thoughts now are exactly rich but here goes....

i should stop having these late night dinners coming home from the late shift. while it hasn't happened yet, i am continually plagued by thoughts of getting fat from these late night binges.

i haven't written anything in ages. i have lists of articles and topics i want to write about. bits and pieces of research, initial ideas for the book my good friends are telling me to write but they remain nothing more than bits and pieces of ideas. i am deluged with the daily tasks of living like laundry, work, eating late night dinners after coming home late.

i am starting to get bothered that i am unable to sleep without taking painkillers. i am also bothered by the fact that i actually get excited about taking my painkillers before sleep and look forward to that wonderful drowsiness that overtakes me.

i am still missing my sasha very much. only now, i miss her knowing i will never see her again. it is a double whammy of a miss session and i still cry buckets when i am alone.

i am feeling quite down, vulnerable and lost yet again. i try to tell myself how far i have come and how much i have achieved thus far but it seems like a hollow victory. i don't know why.

i tell myself to stop driving myself dizzy with things to do and wait for the answer to come. that is the problem. i am not very good with waiting.

praying - i have been doing more of it and i am also feeling better because of it. and meditating. sometimes ten minutes is all my mind can take and trying to be silent and one with the moment is very much a struggle. so i just take the ten minutes when i can and don't beat myself up about it.

thinks twitterman is actually very boring even though he is very good looking. a bit of a doofus as well. but still...a very good looking one. lol!

is going to start dieting tomorrow. will cut back on carbs because i am afraid of getting fat with all these late night dinners. and will lessen those 'i deserve all this ice cream because i am very, very tired, i feel quite down, lost and vulnerable' moments.

i am starting to feel sleepy now. the painkiller pill beckons.....til tomorrow....

Speechless, Spineless, Grinning Idiot called...Me.....

i came face to face again with twitterman. to those who know who he is count yourself among the lucky 5. to those who don't know him...well that is life. we all must keep a few secrets to ourselves.

amazingly after a loooong spell. he remembered me. he asked how i was - and stood there DUMBSTRUCK. i couldn't say ANYTHING. the queen of snappy comebacks was absolutely rendered SPEECHLESS...and all i could think of was 'Jilly - you are a USELESS, SPINELESS, TOOOO BADLY CRUSHING ON HIM GIRL!!!!'

i think he may have started working out - where he finds the time out of his incessantly long hours is a major question. all i could think of when i saw him was 'OMG he's filled out!!!! he's broader, put on about 10 pounds of muscle in his shoulders and arms....THUD (fainting spell at this point)

listen this man is already BEAUTIFUL to begin with - seeing a filled out version of him was like appreciating a tenderloin steak which had morphed into rib-eye.

and i DIDN'T HAVE ANYTHING REMOTELY WITTY OR FUNNY TO SAY. and what did i eventually say? 'How are you?'

LOSER.

i stood there and grinned at him like a girl. and he grinned happily back. i could read his thought balloon 'She has such a BAAAADDDDD crush on me'. and my thought balloon was 'I have such a BAAADDDDD crush on you- you beautiful walking rib-eye steak of a man!!!!!'

so after 5 minutes of grinning and small talk i mustered all the energy i had to pretend to walk away nonchalantly - like my insides hadn't turned into quivering jelly. i was willing my knees to 'WALK! WALK! WALK!'.

the whole tube ride back home, i kept hitting my head on the wall in my mind. STUPID, STUPID, STUPID girl!!!! i am such a GIRL!!!!!

God help me...I just don't know what to do with myself...and Twitterman...LOL!!!!

Random Missiles: Strictly for Adults Only

like most filipina girls, i went to an all girls catholic school. one of the things they emphasized was that premarital sex was vile and immoral. they also taught us about confession. basically after you confess you become a virgin again. so while premarital sex was vile and immoral - you can always depend on confession to re-virginize yourself. if that doesn't turn a girl into a believer - i don't know what will.

when a few friends of mine visited london, i introduced them to this cooking show that featured this hot chef. his name is aaron craze and he is a jaime oliver protege. aaron is very good looking in a jesus christ sort of way - specially his eyes. this is why i called him jesus chef. i told my friend - hey if you land him, jesus chef will show you what heaven is all about. i totally scandalized him with my jesus chef jokes. but no matter - there is always confession.

i know why confession was invented. it was invented because all the priests then hundreds of centuries ago were male. all they wanted to hear was 'bless me father for i have been a very, very bad girl...these are my sins....'

honestly it has crossed my mind several times - what would happen if i tried to do a confession in a voice like those women who work on phone sex lines? i am sure i wouldn't be the first to have tried.

sometimes i do wonder about this whole is God a He or a She? my catholic programming makes me go on auto pilot with using He/Him but for all I know He/She could actually be gay and may actually prefer instead to be called Diva. THE Diva. Which of course He/She really is. I mean isn't the fact that photos of the universe are always tinged with a purple and pink haze against a black sky dotted with sparkling stars a clue?

we have to concede though whoever stood in as model for His/Her/THE Diva's picture as we know it now had an amazing head of hair. and perfect five o-clock shadow. good job to whoever the casting director was.

i know you are either laughing at this or shuddering at my irreverence. my total comfort with the whole thing is exactly the point. my God understands the humor with which i am dispensing all this with.

in fact, He's probably laughing thinking there she goes - exactly as i made her.

as to those who will contradict me, it doesn't really matter. if thinking i have the horrifying humor of someone whose been inbred makes you happy then go ahead.

all i know is no matter what, my God loves me. incidentally you mother effing haters, He/She/THE Diva loves you too.

unconditionally.

Post Recession HR Memo

i don't know who wrote this but it is BRILLIANT. so i decided to re-post it. whoever wrote it is a quasi GENIUS.

The BEST People in the World

i am writing this because i gave myself a deadline to get back to the land of the living. i think i may be growing up. first time in my life ever did i concede that i wasn't strong enough to muster on in the face of all that happened. so i deliberately dug a hole and stayed there for a few days. i knew i couldn't stay in the hole forever but it was a good hole while it lasted.

i had a phone call last night with my friend rob who lives way yonder in vancouver. we've been friends for over 12 years now. he called (or rather we skyped) just to talk. he was concerned about how i'd been feeling and old friends like him - they're like old shoes that just fit right and it all came gushing out of me. i didn't have to hold anything back - he just sat there and listened. i ranted and raved, i was alternately angry, sad, inconsolable, deranged, lashing out and he just took it all in stride.

and after everything i had had emptied out of me - he talked to me with a logic that only those who have the inside map to your head can do. after more than an hour, i found myself telling him about some of my kitchen adventures and we started laughing. then he said - 'hey this is the jill i KNOW'. and i realized, i hadn't been that jill in a long time.

and in that moment i knew i was going to be alright. and i was immensely grateful for the wonderful gift of a friend that rob is.

as i was about to sleep, i remembered all of the other wonderful friends i have in my life who helped move me through these difficult days. those who called, emailed, texted, facebooked, came over just to see if i was alright. and i knew without a shadow of a doubt that i belong to a rarified circle of humans who genuinely care.

this is my gratitude list because I am friends with some of THE BEST people in the WORLD....

gerry - for being the most kunsintidora. for helping me keep the faith and reminding me that more things in this life are wrought by prayer.

nico - for always understanding and being a steadfast cheerleader even if there's nothing much to cheer about.

paul - for coming over with the downloaded movies and tv series to watch for distracting entertainment together with the best friend chicken, chips and ice cream.

patrick - the best flatmate one could ever have.

arnold - for constantly asking how i am. for coming over to do nothing because he knows his being there to do nothing with me is more than enough comfort. for fixing my brows and saving me £34.

arnell, cris, jojo, charles, martin, joel, will, vannie, leng and pam - the divas who never fail to cheer me up with their one-liners.

jenny from the block, mac and sherry - friends made and kept over from leo-burnett. who keep in touch distance and location notwithstanding.

jan - for reconnecting with me on facebook. even if we haven't seen each other in 20 years, talking to you again on fb feels like we never parted ways since high school.

mark - for always asking how i am and for making that call when even i was beginning to be scared of how dark my thoughts were becoming.

jennie, agnes, bob, boom - for you all who went out of your way and made the time to see me during my limited stay in manila. MY POSSE FOREVER.

coy and mark - my bros whom i love forever

the three titas - bootsie, estrelle and roni. they all drive me crazy in different ways but i wouldn't have it any other way.

tio gilbert, mc, jenlee and tiffany - my family in the us. i heart and miss you all much.

cosette - my ate and consumate supporter.

leah, cris, cynthia, maes, che, eme, liza, ange, jojie and the whole damn list of stellans whom i grew up with as kids - so grateful to reconnect with you all.

shammy - for reminding me of all the wonderful memories of us all together and reminding me of the need to create more.

janine - my wonderful friend in yonder toronto with whom i had tons of adventures with in thailand. who would've thought i would make a friend for life back then?

gigi - who surprises me that while we didn't have that much time to spend together at mccann, how observant she was about who i was as a person and how big her heart is in appreciating sides of me i never even thought about.

mattie and cris - my tibetan temple circle who remind me there is much light to be found everywhere.

kumuda - for reminding me that the world is really a much better place because mustang sally's like us exist.

and to everyone else whom i may have missed out on but have been praying and sending me the kindest thoughts and wishes.

i guess this is how it feels like to win the oscar. except this is much, much better.

thank you all and i want you to know, I AM ALRIGHT now. Moving on.

I Just Don't Know What To Do With Myself

eleven days after sasha has passed away, i am still feeling much like a big piece of s@£%t. i suppose its because i didn't have time to cry myself out. pretty much like getting the wind knocked out of you and the minute you draw your first breath you get shoved off onto the starting line of a bloody marathon, the gun fires and you're off. you kind of start running automatically without your brain telling you how. but you don't notice anyone you pass by and you don't really see anything. until that little auto switch pilot in your brain says MUST STOP and you want to drop into a heap right there in the middle of the marathon but you can't. you have to find the right timing and the right exit out of the marathon so people don't think you're some raving lunatic.

having to go to work this past week was sheer utter hell. i was fine until the last two days of work and then i started uravelling. i realized i had been using up all my energy to hold myself together the past few days until my holiday came up. my last day of work i just unravelled.

sasha passing away opened up a whole can of worms. i am drowning in this sea of guilt that i only saw her four times in the past three years. i am drowing in guilt that pretty much of her time with me, i was always going away somewhere, leaving her. i was always going away for whatever reason arrogantly knowing she would always be there waiting for me. even for the last time, i went away again thinking she was going to be fine. and before i knew it she was gone.

i suppose, she was my little anchor in this world. that no matter where i went, no matter how far away i flew and no matter how long away i stayed, i would always find her there waiting for me. and knowing her, she always was.

my brother loved her very, very much too, more than he loves his own dog, kozo i suspect. but no matter how much sasha loved my brother, she would always be back with me when i went home.

i am drowing in guilt for all those times my family would tell me how much sasha missed me when i went away - how she would walk into my room, sniff my pillows and my sheets and look up at them as if to ask 'where has she gone again?' i am drowning in guilt for all those times when i would be flying out to somewhere - the minute the trolley was out, she would then refuse to look at me or even come near me when i would try to say goodbye. eventually she would come over to me when it looked imminent that i would have to walk out the door. and she would come to me with her head hung low and when i walked out the door, she would stand up to look at me through the screen door looking at me with those eyes asking when i would be back.

in her last moments, my brother took the shirt i last wore before i left which was lying on the floor and used it to cradle her head. my mom said sasha kept trying to turn her head towards my shirt even if she no longer could move.

i feel like the world's biggest piece of shit - that my dog whom i professed to love with all that i had, died lying on my shirt while i was on the other side of the ocean.

for all of the adventures i always have been chasing after, for all the experiences i told myself i didn't want to miss, for all the attempts to find myself and my dreams - i lost out on being with the one who loved me for me.

sasha didn't care about my adventures, sasha didn't think better of me because of my experiences. sasha didn't care that i still don't know who i am and that i still don't know what to do with myself. all she wanted was me and i feel like a prized idiot that i went halfway round the world trying to look for something that i already had, one that i had left behind.

i still can't throw out the information file i kept on animal importation to the UK. i always used to thumb through it every now and then because i was always planning how to get her here.

i know, eventually, i will learn to live with this all. but in the meantime, i suppose it is alright if i just let myself be. i think its just appropriate if i say, right now, for the time being, i just don't know what to do with myself.