if i know what i need to do then why do i feel stuck?

on facebook during the early days when they still didn't have those stupid pseudo psycho babble quizzes (like what olympic sport best represents who you are? answer: underwater basket weaving), they used to have these random vote your friends as most or least likely thingies. the first one i got was 'most likely to own a pair of manolos' - ok, shoe addict we have got that down already.

the second of the answers i got was 'most likely to be the voice of reason'.

that's who i am known to be - to most of my good friends and family. everyone thinks i have a pretty good head on me and most of the time, when i deliberately focus on being lucid, i am very grown up and rational.

people can rely on me for being responsible, to carry out complex thinking and doing activities. someone actually called me 'sorter out' i.e. someone who sorts things out.

my life right now is a reflection of my brain activity. it is filled with a million blips and bleeps, of things that need to be sorted out. the daily things in life like bringing your mac to the apple store to get it sorted out, writing to the university to get my school attendance schedule in december, finding the funding for my mba, going to the store for rice......

and lurking in the background are all the other existential questions i am often plagued with that are related to happiness, connection, security, fulfillment.

my brain hurts....i feel like all my neurons are firing at different levels and it seems like my synapses are about to explode...and as a result, little bits and pieces of me are beginning to hurt as well. first its my head, then my neck, then my shoulders..on some days my brain hurts so much all the way to my fingertips and my nails.

i console myself that even if my brain hurts, i am still functioning and i can still sort out what needs to be sorted out. but it doesn't change the fact that my brain is hurting.

and that while i know what to do, there is this unanswered question: if i know what to do why do i feel stuck?

the third vote i got was 'most likely to bring sexy back'. i don't know who in hell voted me this - i think the person likely put it down as a laugh. probably someone who is masquesrading as a friend but in reality hates me because he wants to be me but is scared of me and wants to get one back indirectly hahahaha.......but in this 'my brain is hurting and i am stuck' mode i'll take it.
when you are in this mode, even i realize brain power isn't going to cut it. so yeah..i'll take it - most likely to bring sexy back.

i may be stuck but heck i'm fabulous. i'll bring sexy back you miserable sonofa£@~#!!!!!

I am Afraid My Brain is Going.....

nothing I just wanted to drop you a line. my brain is slowly going lifeless...if it were hooked up to a monitor the bleeps would come very faintly...with several long seconds in between each bleep... bloody hell I need a new boyfriend. haven't shagged since...i forget...brain cannot process too much... I am now aimlessly ranting. I need to meet a billionaire hunk who has a genius IQ and is 6ft 3inches to marry and spend the rest of my life with. Any suggestions? Argggh....help...i am hard pressed trying to be positive. Alternating between being angry, sad, happy, optimistic, determined and clueless. Autumn is here - but then again did it ever leave? I've done three makeovers today. I have 2.5 hours remaining on my shift to do a couple more. what are the chances I'll meet my billionaire in the next two hours? Maybe he'll masquerade as a drag queen. Or maybe he'll come in to buy makeup for his woman and he'll see I'm the better deal. Whoa - since when did I start think I was a 'deal'? Oh I think when I was 5 and I thought I was a pretty big deal after being awarded best in storytelling. Did I ever tell you at my nursery school graduation I was in the major dance number of the program? I was five and they thought I could groove which is why they placed me in the center of the group. I don't know whose brilliant idea it was but they dressed us in these long flowing gowns and tied ribbons on our wrists - to enhance the dance movements I suppose. Midway through the dance I slipped on my dress and fell with a resounding thud on the floor. The sound reverberated throughout the hall with not a few parental gasps and snickering from the seated children. I don't even remember being embarrassed. I distinctly remember being exasperated and quicker than you could say badoodlewhoopsie I stood up and resumed dancing like I was never even interrupted. To thundering cheers and clapping from the audience. I walked off the stage to a standing ovation. I think that was one of the best lessons I remember in my life. Life is a dance number. For sure there'll be gasps and snickering people when you fall. However there'll be people who will give you that applause and thundering cheers when you do get up. never settle for the snickering - walk away to a standing ovation. It's so much better. Ok gotta go back to the counter in a bit. Thanks for listening....
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Self Doubt

i got this message from this kabbalah website i subscribe to. message from the universe - from the universe to me and now to you.

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Sunday, August 30
Anybody who ever made a difference in this world went through a struggle to find their real purpose. Don't dump all over yourself if you are feeling lost and worthless. It's a sign you're looking for your path.
Today, don't run to fix yourself when you feel broken. Stay with the discomfort. Walk through the fire and you'll find everything you need inside yourself. And yes, you will survive.

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sometimes adventure can be kind of lonely

here i am one week away from starting my kitchen apprenticeship. i am quite excited, but yet again i am reminded at how lonely it can be starting another adventure by yourself in a foreign city.

i am reminded yet again of the distance between myself and everyone i hold dear to me. my family and my friends are all scattered in various parts of the globe. i have very few here in london with whom i share that sense of history with.

no one knows me here like my old friends and family do.

when i meet new friends, i have to hold back the compulsion to tell them as many things about me as i can in an effort to get them to know who i am. i know you cannot build these things overnight. these connections i have with the people i love - they are either built from blood or years and years of fighting, sharing, arguing, crying, winning and losing together.

right now, it seems to me that everyone is just so far away. and i am here typing my innermost thoughts out on my computer.

i recently saw 'adam' the movie and i was struck by how relevant it was to my life right now.

there is a part in the movie where adam reveals why he wanted beth to move with him to california and it wasn't the reason that beth was desperately waiting to hear. as a result beth refuses to go and adam is tortured at the thought that his life raft wasn't moving with him to california. in the end, adam simply decides to move, in spite of all of his fears. he moves to california. beth stays in new york. adam finds himself in california. beth also finds herself in new york.

i wanted to find myself again which is why i ran away to london. but in finding myself, i had to lose that physical connection - the comfortable availability of everyone i loved back in asia.

i think sometimes that is what we need - we need to lose the distraction of the 'beths' in our lives so we can focus on what it is that our 'adam' really needs.

but it doesn't change the fact that sometimes, finding our adam can be quite lonely, and that many times when you are alone, you just want, even if for the space of a few minutes to have one of your 'beths' sitting beside you to tell you it will be alright.

I Am Magic and So Are You

i am a magic dreamer. i believe in envisioning a life that is big, bright and full of life. i believe in big things. i believe that little things can contain big things and have big meanings - if you care enough to stand still for a moment and see them in the palm of your hand.

i am audacity. i ask for what i want and when i ask for it, i know i will get what i want. anyone can have what they want. as long as they are clear on what they want, they are willing to take inspired action and listen to messages from the universe. you don't have to give up anything to have what you want because everyone is entitled to have what they want. this is a generous universe presided over by a generous God.

this is why you do not have to covet what other people have. there is no need to be envious or jealous or harbor hatred in your heart that someone has what you think you also deserve to have. there is room for all your desires and wishes to come true - just like everyone else's.

we all find what we believe we will find.

if you believe that you have to cut off your arm to achieve what you want, then you will cut off your arm to achieve what you want.

i on the other hand, believe that all i have to do is hold out my hand to receive what i want.

receiving, just like giving, is an art. it is a virtue. in order to get what you want, you must know how to receive.

also, i like to give off the impression that i like to question everything in this world. in truth, i operate pretty much on blind faith. i question dogma, i question bigotry, i question intolerance and i question simply because i like to know facts and i like to reassure myself that my ability to remember things remain somewhat sharp. everything else i take pretty much on knowing that after all is said and done, everything will be alright. really, let me tell you, everything will set itself right.

my life generally, is one pretty much about operating on blind faith. instinct. intuition.

when i have an idea, i pretty much go with it and don't question why. it is only when i look back that i begin to see patterns - how i met this person who helped bring me to point b, that took me to point c and so on.

there is nothing such as coincidence in this world.

ralph waldo emerson said 'two people who are destined to meet apparently do so by chance. at exactly the right time'.

and i don't mean this purely in a romantic way, but life in general.

people who we need at a specific point in time will find their way to us when we need them exactly at the right time. we just need to recognize and accept that whoever is in our life at this time, whether we like them or not are meant to be there. everyone in our life is a messenger bearing a note from the universe. we cannot discount nor question - is it a big message or small? the bottomline is - it is a message. if you can't understand it now, keep it in the back of your mind and when your soul is ready to listen to the answer, you will understand without having to expend the effort to do so.

i understand now what eckkhart tolle was trying to say about the power of now.

take heart - for what you are looking for is also looking for you.

Rant-i-sode 1.0

it's a friday night and instead of going out to drink with friends, i decided to just head on home. i had a healthy dinner of broccolini and chestnut mushrooms with oyster sauce. and my ubiquitous bowl of honey cheerios eaten without milk. i also stood over the packet of snickers on the kitchen counter, listening to the chocolate bars snickering at me 'you know you want me, you KNOW you want me' and me chanting 'i can resist...i will resist...' an hour long bath, jammies and into the bed with my laptop. and i can still hear the fucking packet snickering all the way from the kitchen.....yes you damn snicker bars...i WANT you like i WANT clive owen but it doesn't mean i'm going to have you.

once upon a time there was a woman who always ordered only ceasar salad in every restaurant she ate in. she had virtually eaten every version of it available - with grilled shrimp, with iceberg lettuce, with bottled dressing, with freshly prepared dressing, with grilled chicken, with romaine lettuce, with and without croutons, tossed in a wooden bowl, tossed in a glass bowl, with garlic, without garlic... you name every version of it and she had eaten it. ceasar salad. that's all she ever ate. the weird thing is that, she always wondered at the other stuff that people ate. and why they enjoyed eating them so much. she even said she was envious at the stuff that other people ate and sometimes jealous that they were enjoying all different sorts of things. when asked however to try other things, she always said no and proceeded to order ceasar salad yet again.

hey - if all you ever want to try and eat is ceasar salad, don't wonder why ceasar salad is the only thing you know.

i keep thinking about someone who i recently met and keep wondering at the reasons why we met. i tell myself there is never such a thing as coincidence. ralph waldo emerson said 'two people who are destined to meet do so, apparently by chance, at exactly the right time'. i love that line because it hints at the magic of two people meeting - and not just romantically but that every person we meet on this earth is a magical moment. i keep wondering why. it is never apparent to us why we meet people, sometimes it comes later, sometimes never. this one....i am waiting to hear why...because it felt magical when we met and i am sad if the story of how we met has met its end.

cheetos. i am desperately craving cheetos. and cheese flavored doritos. and sour cream and onion pringles. i am desperately craving the ones made in the states because they taste the way cheetos and doritos and pringles should. full on sodium shock. the ones here in london taste like sawdust - i have never tasted blander junk food in my entire life. bland junk food is the worst in the world. when you eat junk food like cheetos, it should rightfully taste like you just ate five years worth of salt in one packet all in one satisfying go. and end up with your fingers coated with cheese powder that you lick off after you lick the wrapper of the remaining powdered cheese dust. otherwise, what's the point? please God...someone, anyone ship me some cheetos. and cheese doritos. and sour cream and onion pringles. and while they're at it, tell them to include poppycock popcorn with almonds and skippy super chunky peanut butter. i swear my kids will be allowed all of these as much as they want. sodium authorities - go stuff it. sodium - i want to be full of it.

the five building blocks of essential nutrition for women's health and happiness: salt, sugar, fat, bags and shoes.

Good Eats in London 2

i just realized my memory is not as good as it used to be - i realized i left out quite a few of the places and things i like to eat in london. or maybe, it was masked by the fact that i wrote it in a flu haze.

whatever, these are the other places i remembered i liked:

Kulu-Kulu Japanese Restaurant - i discovered this when my good friend arnold took me. somewhere off a back alley on regent street. it's like upmarket yo-sushi (yo-sushi is a place to go to ONLY if you are in between life and death i.e. I NEED sushi and I DON'T CARE if it's semi-bad). the sushi though are puzzlingly huge. it's like japanese tasting sushi for the size of big white people. at very friendly prices. try the spinach bundles with sesame seed butter as it is very good.

nagomi - round the bend on a back street from bond street tube station. they do japanese home cooking style food so for idiots who think all japanese food is raw, this is a good place to get yourself un-ignorized. or rather educated. (why am i inventing words? because this is MY BLOG)
the fried rice with slivers of pickles, the aubergines, the stewed pork belly......i swear every child whose mother can cook like this needs to give their mums a five carat ring of their mum's stone of choosing every christmas. my friend makiko took me here. and guess what? she said her mum cooks WAY better than nagomi does. i believe her.

ashish' lamb taxi driver curry - i tasted this once and only once when my bestest friend kumuda was living in thailand. her husband ashish learned this from a taxi driver in india. i can only remember that you first make a paste out of chilis, shallots and ginger as i was the one who chopped them all up. and that you don't trim the fat from the lamb (who is the idiot who said you MUST trim fat from lamb?!!!! die idiot! die!). we ate this with potatoes sauteed in butter which kumuda then sprinkled with salt and gram masala and rice. ABSOLUTE HEAVEN. i tried replicating the bloody thing and frankly couldn't get it right. this is why i am saving up to go to goa this christmas. first to finally kiss kumuda's super baby twins in person (and hug and pinch and spoil and play boo with) and second to eat more of this curry and hopefully learn how to do the dang curry right. ok i didn't eat this in london but again - this is MY blog.

waitrose roasted chicken - they always get it right. ok sometimes the chicken is a bit overdone from the rotisserie but that's why you should only ever eat the thigh and leg portions. if you're too lazy to cook, get one from waitrose with some of their cheese tortellini spinach salad and a tiny tub of haagen dazs. you're set then for a good dinner. if you have leftover chicken breast meat, chop it roughly, nap it with some mayonnaise, throw in some fine chopped gherkins and onion, salt, pepper and voila - chicken salad for a sandwich. you can top it with some arugula and tomato.

theo randall - at the hotel intercontinental in mayfair. rustic italian food at non-rustic prices but oh so UBER yummy.

sticky toffee pudding with vanilla ice cream - when i first tasted this i thought 'God save the queen'. i like it really soaked in toffee with some of the dates still in the mixture. i am such a sticky toffee pudding whore i order it all the time when i see it on the menu and even the supermarket ones from sainsbury's and m&s can never escape from me. every winter, i stock up on m&s (my favorite supermarket brand for sticky toffee pudding) plus their madagascan vanilla clotted cream ice cream. as long as i have both, i can be snowed in till kingdom come.

the great british strawberry - served with mounds of whipped chantilly cream. again, God save the queen for this annual wimbledon summer treat.

leong's legend - i discovered this place walking around in chinatown for a new chinese place to eat at other than gerrard's. try the pork with sticky rice and the stewed pork belly...they do pork right and trust me that is high praise for a filipina who is obsessed with piggy things to eat.

the blueberry pie at paul's - i usually eat only blueberries out of a box, fresh. i can't stand them baked into pastry but this one i make an exception for. oh and blueberry cheesecake. and blueberry muffins. (ok i may have been too hasty at saying i hate them baked into things...)

there is also this vietnamese place arnold also took me to. the name escapes me. EVERYTHING on their menu is EFFING GOOD and AUTHENTIC and CHEAP. again home style. i will write about it again when i remember the name. i know how to get there if you were with me but i can't remember the name of the place!

olympic cafe - this is a small, cheap and cheerful place on lower marsh street about 5-10 mins walk from the waterloo tube station. they sell home cooking style chinese, singaporean, malaysian and thai dishes. again, EFFING GOOD and CHEAP. the thai dishes are authentic tasting i can certify. the rest...i don't think are authentic but are good anyway. the spicy singaporean noodles and the duck on rice hits my spot every single time. and each only costs £4.50.....

pearl restaurant and bar - oh so pretty french food. this is where i first tried the leek terrine (kind of like a lasagne made of spring onions) and i couldn't understand it. i also had the rabbit ballotine (a bit dry if i remember it right) but this was saved by the molten chocolate cake with vanilla ice cream and the caramel sauce that was painted onto the plate. i remember thinking (as i was trying to scrape as much of the caramel off the plate onto my fork to eat with the cake) 'why couldn't they have just slathered this on the whole cake? it would've made my CENTURY.' but i quickly banished my plebian thoughts...and admired the million pearls strung out on strings dangling from the chandeliers....ahhh....i felt when i walked in, this is truly a restaurant for an empress....hehehehe......if i were to be honest, i was more admiring of the decor and the prettiness of the food than the taste. however we can fix that since i'll be working there soon.

hmm...i think i need new discoveries for my list. time to find more good eats!!!!