if i know what i need to do then why do i feel stuck?

on facebook during the early days when they still didn't have those stupid pseudo psycho babble quizzes (like what olympic sport best represents who you are? answer: underwater basket weaving), they used to have these random vote your friends as most or least likely thingies. the first one i got was 'most likely to own a pair of manolos' - ok, shoe addict we have got that down already.

the second of the answers i got was 'most likely to be the voice of reason'.

that's who i am known to be - to most of my good friends and family. everyone thinks i have a pretty good head on me and most of the time, when i deliberately focus on being lucid, i am very grown up and rational.

people can rely on me for being responsible, to carry out complex thinking and doing activities. someone actually called me 'sorter out' i.e. someone who sorts things out.

my life right now is a reflection of my brain activity. it is filled with a million blips and bleeps, of things that need to be sorted out. the daily things in life like bringing your mac to the apple store to get it sorted out, writing to the university to get my school attendance schedule in december, finding the funding for my mba, going to the store for rice......

and lurking in the background are all the other existential questions i am often plagued with that are related to happiness, connection, security, fulfillment.

my brain hurts....i feel like all my neurons are firing at different levels and it seems like my synapses are about to explode...and as a result, little bits and pieces of me are beginning to hurt as well. first its my head, then my neck, then my shoulders..on some days my brain hurts so much all the way to my fingertips and my nails.

i console myself that even if my brain hurts, i am still functioning and i can still sort out what needs to be sorted out. but it doesn't change the fact that my brain is hurting.

and that while i know what to do, there is this unanswered question: if i know what to do why do i feel stuck?

the third vote i got was 'most likely to bring sexy back'. i don't know who in hell voted me this - i think the person likely put it down as a laugh. probably someone who is masquesrading as a friend but in reality hates me because he wants to be me but is scared of me and wants to get one back indirectly hahahaha.......but in this 'my brain is hurting and i am stuck' mode i'll take it.
when you are in this mode, even i realize brain power isn't going to cut it. so yeah..i'll take it - most likely to bring sexy back.

i may be stuck but heck i'm fabulous. i'll bring sexy back you miserable sonofa£@~#!!!!!

I am Afraid My Brain is Going.....

nothing I just wanted to drop you a line. my brain is slowly going lifeless...if it were hooked up to a monitor the bleeps would come very faintly...with several long seconds in between each bleep... bloody hell I need a new boyfriend. haven't shagged since...i forget...brain cannot process too much... I am now aimlessly ranting. I need to meet a billionaire hunk who has a genius IQ and is 6ft 3inches to marry and spend the rest of my life with. Any suggestions? Argggh....help...i am hard pressed trying to be positive. Alternating between being angry, sad, happy, optimistic, determined and clueless. Autumn is here - but then again did it ever leave? I've done three makeovers today. I have 2.5 hours remaining on my shift to do a couple more. what are the chances I'll meet my billionaire in the next two hours? Maybe he'll masquerade as a drag queen. Or maybe he'll come in to buy makeup for his woman and he'll see I'm the better deal. Whoa - since when did I start think I was a 'deal'? Oh I think when I was 5 and I thought I was a pretty big deal after being awarded best in storytelling. Did I ever tell you at my nursery school graduation I was in the major dance number of the program? I was five and they thought I could groove which is why they placed me in the center of the group. I don't know whose brilliant idea it was but they dressed us in these long flowing gowns and tied ribbons on our wrists - to enhance the dance movements I suppose. Midway through the dance I slipped on my dress and fell with a resounding thud on the floor. The sound reverberated throughout the hall with not a few parental gasps and snickering from the seated children. I don't even remember being embarrassed. I distinctly remember being exasperated and quicker than you could say badoodlewhoopsie I stood up and resumed dancing like I was never even interrupted. To thundering cheers and clapping from the audience. I walked off the stage to a standing ovation. I think that was one of the best lessons I remember in my life. Life is a dance number. For sure there'll be gasps and snickering people when you fall. However there'll be people who will give you that applause and thundering cheers when you do get up. never settle for the snickering - walk away to a standing ovation. It's so much better. Ok gotta go back to the counter in a bit. Thanks for listening....
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