Birthday Thoughts of the Christmas Baby

holy crap - same time next week and i will be 38. there i said it. can't deny it or i will be stoned to death by my friends and schoolmates on my facebook page.

the only consolation i have is i now weigh exactly as i did during sophomore year at university when i decided to lose all my leftover high school fat overnight by eating only a piece of toast in the morning and three tablespoons of food for dinner. i also had a carton of mango juice which i sipped on throughout the day if i felt faint. i did that for 8 months. and lost all the weight. kept it off for four years then gained it all back when i started working at the ad agency.

i discovered the joys of tequila, happy hour and vice-presidents who were only too willing to foot the bar bill to enjoy the company of an entire team of ultra mini-skirt clad account executives who would drink them down to the floor.

i started off with just beer then a tequila shot or two. then as the number of beer bottles consumed started to increase, so did the tequila shots. after that, the tequila shots completely replaced the beer. my liver swelled to the size of asia. at one point, i counted downing 12 shots of tequila, and i was still standing straight like i just had one.

we would run to the bar on the ground floor of the building at 5pm which was happy hour (buy one take one on all drinks! yippee!!!) - stagger out drunk at 12 midnight. go back to the office to work overtime til 2am. catch the last call at 3am at the bar and go home at 5am. shower and go to work at 6am. basically feel really sick, hungover and unable to work between 9-11am in the office. take an analgesic or two and start feeling better by 12 noon. have lunch, coffee then start to feel better so work starts to happen. by 3pm we are all feeling good and in great spirits and looking forward to 5pm and doing it all over again.

but i didn't care - frankly none of us did. we were a huge team of account executives who were having the time of our lives. in a sense we all grew up together and years later, many of those friends i made in my early years have become my family.

yes - eventually i got hospitalized for alcohol poisoning if you want to know.

and yes i grew up. moved up in advertising.

one day i woke up and thought - i'm going to work my ass off and won't stop until i become regional director! so i put my head down and worked, and worked, and worked like i was devil possessed. and i did become regional director. lived on planes and shopped like mad. totally fell in love with being on the mailing list of prada. forgot about loving and living - and basically just worked. popped pills to sleep, popped pills to wake up. popped pills to stop crying. popped pills to relax. ended up such an angry, burntout mess who was demanding an answer to the question 'if this is supposed to be the fabulous life, why the hell am i so miserable?!!!!'

quit advertising and just drifted aimlessly for a bit. realized i needed to heal my body and my soul and purge the anger that too long had become my life force. but i didn't know how.

i joined meditation classes. made friends with reiki healers. went to pujas at tibetan temples where i ogled the hot lama priest (one track mind this girl....) took long drives in my gas guzzling chick mobile...created this valentine's day campaign with lize size posters of half naked men in a conservative chinese department store. started writing again and still continue to do so.

my aimless wandering found me in london where finally the aimlessness of my wandering reached rock bottom. i met this doctor who told me to get off the pills and made me lay on a couch once a week in a therapist's office for two years. it was awkward at first and then one day i just started to cry. the minute i did, it became a tidal wave. i couldn't stop crying. and crying and crying. finally it seemed like the dam had finally burst and the more i cried, the anger inside me started to burn out. i started to feel better and lighter. the more i cried, the less angry i felt until one day i was all cried out. the anger was gone and for a time, i was just empty. i reckon if all you've ever been was angry, you forget how to feel all those other feelings.

got laid off when the recession hit. moved into a flat beside the river thames and walked by parliament and big ben on the way to work to sell overpriced makeup at this posh store. got into business school. saw too many museum exhibits and often wondered at the roller coaster that was my life.

what the hell was i thinking? i wasn't.

i was just doing what i wanted to do at the moment, whatever the moment was. while my friends were planning on getting married, having babies and buying houses - i was out buying shoes and bags and books and raising my golden retriever.

remember my friend who said he reminded me of dandelions? they grow where the dandelion seed falls from the wind. when they come out of the ground and flower, you can only admire them from where they stand - you can't pick them because the moment you touch them, the fluff will fly away. he was right in a sense.

my aimless wandering has reached rock bottom. i'm ready to stop being the dandelion.
besides, dandelion fluff gives people hay fever. who wants to give people hay fever?
not me.

i was very sad the past three years. i could not explain the why's and wheretofores. i was just sad. i actually forgot the sound of my own maniacal laughter. and unlike before where everything i touched turned to gold, it seemed like everything i touched turned to quicksand.

i thank my lucky stars i happen to have the luck of the devil. i was born with a caul. superstition has it that children born with a caul (known as 'caul bearer') are born with this lucky streak. no matter how thick the quicksand seems i am always, always able to get out. and i get out the winner. in a sense, i don't really know how to lose. life is more than happy to give me everything i want and need - even the ones that i didn't think i wanted but ended up needing anyway.

right - the quicksand episodes are fading. two months ago, i was alone in the flat watching this inane show on the telly. then i heard this maniacal laugh. it was so strange i thought it was coming from somewhere when i realized it was coming from me.

my body felt lighter than it ever had in years. and i laughed and i laughed. alone but the memory of that afternoon with the first genuine laugh i had in three years still lights me up. there are still many things i need to deal with that we must do because we are adults and we have to mind things like rent and bills and sleeping.

its an incredibly creative time now for me as i re-shape and reclaim my life.

i realize, i may be turning 38 but in reality i am still just 24 with the whole world at my feet and the magic wand is still in my hand. and just for spite, let me tell you that i am re-shaping my life in the best shape i have ever been - fucking skinny as hell and the legs are still as hot as ever.

i am also still ever so feisty and funny and you guessed it - still ever so slightly bat-shit crazy.

i take comfort in the fact that life has always been and always will be on my terms. i don't think a lot of people can make that claim for themselves.

so looking forward to more adventures in my life. i look forward to living, eating, laughing, working, creating and loving and being loved.

happy birthday you christmas baby you!

happy birthday to me.

Bitch Humor

i've always been leery of disneyland and mickey mouse. even when i was a kid. the only ones i ever really liked from disney were the villains. i remember watching sleeping beauty at age 5 totally unimpressed by the princess - if i had the vocabulary then i would have called her a fucking dipstick.

i thought however the witch queen was FANTASTIC. she was glamorous, wore a giant crown, exuded power and had incredible presence. princess sleeping beauty was lame - she should have been kicked in the head while she was sleeping. she would've woken up retarded which would not have made any difference because she was retarded to begin with anyway.

back to mickey mouse and the happiest place on earth. WHO IN HELL IS HAPPY EVERY SINGLE MOMENT ANYWAY?!!! wait, i know - the perpetually stoned that's who. which leads me to believe that mickey mouse is on drugs. i mean, if i were a mouse forced to wear nothing but red underpants for the whole duration of my 120 years on earth, i'd be on drugs too.

and snow white? the disney spin doctors conveniently covered up the fact that she was really an albino. who lived with 7 dwarves.....if they looked anything like gimli did ...yikes! it gives me the creeps thinking about an albino princess who lived deep in the woods with 7 versions of gimli...

and mulan. she's the poster child for the cross dressers and tranny wannabes. 'who is that girl i see, staring straight back at me. when will my reflection show..'

ok for someone who really isn't into disney, i've spent too much time on that topic already. obviously i won't be the first to take my kids there but listen, MY kids wouldn't want to go there either if they turn out to be anything remotely like me which is highly likely.

hey its a sunday and i'm waiting for the sun to show. it better show up soon - or its next on my list. after disney.

Bob's 3am Tomato Sauce

this is the long awaited tomato sauce recipe that bob caught me cooking at 3am on a friday or rather early saturday morning.

i'm an old woman now. i don't hit the clubs anymore. i am revoltingly unable to hold my drink anymore like i used to when i was a kid - as evidenced by the damning photos that jen took when i was crawling on my carpet and rob was sitting over me laughing like a hyena. but jill and her lost ability to hold her drink is another chapter altogether.

back to being an old woman - my sleep patterns have altered. sometimes on a friday or saturday night i am hit with this supernatural inspiration and i just start taking out pots and pans and before i know it, i am slicing, dicing, sauteeing. i find that the deeper i am in thought about the state of my life, the better my food comes out. sometimes in the middle of slicing onions or finely chopping herbs, i find myself awash in a tangle of emotions and the different thoughts that come to mind.

cooking for me, is the opportunity to ponder my life and the day's occurences. i sink, into this oblivion and my movements are automatic. my hands, my nose and my taste buds have a life of their own.

i don't measure anything. i just know exactly how much to put because i've been cooking for so long i've learnt how much is how much by eyeballing everything. it's like riding a bike or driving a car - you learn to move with your bicycle or handle your car the more you ride or drive it. and after you have learned all its little tics and tricks - you can then safely say, this is MY bike or this is MY car because by then only you will have the answers to the little tics that surprise other people when they try to ride your car or your bike.

same with cooking - you have to understand how the tomatoes look, how ripe or underripe, how sweet the variety is or how acidic. if the basil is no good or lush and aromatic. then you have to adjust accordingly to what you have and because you are caring for nature's bounty, there is never any predicting the state you will find tomatoes in.

to be honest, i don't even remember everything that happens consciously when i am in that cooking haze. time disappears and the whole world stands still for me in that moment. nothing is alive except me and the fire. the world could crumble at that moment and i would be left in front of my stove, ladle in hand, pot at the ready.

and this is why it took me so long to try and remember that 3am tomato sauce haze. this is the best i could remember it to be bob - your visit to london is one of the best chapters in my london book, so in your honor, it shall forever be known as Bob's 3am Tomato Sauce. thank you for being such an incredible friend forever.

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you have to cook this using a wooden spoon.



first heat up some regular olive oil in a heavy sauce pan. tip in some anchovies - i prefer those canned in olive oil with garlic. if so, i tip in the whole small, flat tin, olive oil and all. the heat must be soft and you have to wait for the anchovies to melt slowly and disintegrate into the oil.



once the anchovies have disintegrated, add the finely chopped head of garlic. again on slow fire let the garlic slowly color to a soft barely there gold.

then add one finely chopped very large white onion. if the pan needs more olive oil at this stage add more. once the onion smell has evaporated, start seasoning with a sprinkle of salt, pepper and sugar (but only a touch!). the sugar will help the onions caramelize. again do this on a medium heat - slowly let the sugars come out of the onion. once the onion starts to be slightly brown (which means the natural sugars have leached out at the onions are very sweet at this stage), add your cherry tomatoes. maybe a kilo.


toss the tomatoes in the whole garlic/onion/olive oil mixture but DO NOT crush them. just coat them evenly in the oil mixture. this is why it is important you use only a wooden spoon.

if the mixture seems dry, add more olive oil and a tablespoon or so of fish sauce. again mix gently. then cover the pan. RESIST adding any water. lower the heat and go away for a while but be on guard that the pan doesn't dry out. if the pan is drying out before any of the tomatoes burst, add a tablespoon or two of white wine. after a bit, some of the tomatoes will have burst. you then have permission to start crushing the ones that have burst. again season lightly with salt, pepper and sugar - not in equal amounts! and judge against how much salt you put in the onions, and if you put fish sauce.

eventually, all the tomatoes will have poppped from the heat and you will now have a pan full of tomato juice unadulterated by water. keep stirring. if the tomatoes aren't as red as you want them to be, stir in a tablespoon or so of tomato paste.

simmer over very low heat for 30-45 minutes stirring every now and then. check for seasonings (sugar to balance out the tomatoes if they are sour). if it needs more liquid, add some broth on hand. at that time, i had some shrimp broth which i made previously and was sitting in my freezer.

bob - the magic part of that sauce was that i used my home made shrimp broth which is a recipe in its own right =)

at this point, you should be happy with the color, the body and texture of the sauce. chop some flat leaf parsley, basil and tarragon - a good handful of each. then turn off the heat and stir in the herbs.



voila - Bob's 3am Tomato Sauce.

serve over pasta with some genuine parmigiano reggiano, crusty garlic bread and crisp white wine. or pour over fish and bake for 20 minutes. or mix with some double cream to cook some prawns in to be poured over pasta. or blended and sieved then served in a glass with some vodka, worcestershire sauce, lemon juice, celery salt and a celery stalk....3am Tomato Sauce goes a long way.

3am Tomato Sauce is a bit like life - it'll go for as long as your will and your imagination will let you.