holy crap - same time next week and i will be 38. there i said it. can't deny it or i will be stoned to death by my friends and schoolmates on my facebook page.
the only consolation i have is i now weigh exactly as i did during sophomore year at university when i decided to lose all my leftover high school fat overnight by eating only a piece of toast in the morning and three tablespoons of food for dinner. i also had a carton of mango juice which i sipped on throughout the day if i felt faint. i did that for 8 months. and lost all the weight. kept it off for four years then gained it all back when i started working at the ad agency.
i discovered the joys of tequila, happy hour and vice-presidents who were only too willing to foot the bar bill to enjoy the company of an entire team of ultra mini-skirt clad account executives who would drink them down to the floor.
i started off with just beer then a tequila shot or two. then as the number of beer bottles consumed started to increase, so did the tequila shots. after that, the tequila shots completely replaced the beer. my liver swelled to the size of asia. at one point, i counted downing 12 shots of tequila, and i was still standing straight like i just had one.
we would run to the bar on the ground floor of the building at 5pm which was happy hour (buy one take one on all drinks! yippee!!!) - stagger out drunk at 12 midnight. go back to the office to work overtime til 2am. catch the last call at 3am at the bar and go home at 5am. shower and go to work at 6am. basically feel really sick, hungover and unable to work between 9-11am in the office. take an analgesic or two and start feeling better by 12 noon. have lunch, coffee then start to feel better so work starts to happen. by 3pm we are all feeling good and in great spirits and looking forward to 5pm and doing it all over again.
but i didn't care - frankly none of us did. we were a huge team of account executives who were having the time of our lives. in a sense we all grew up together and years later, many of those friends i made in my early years have become my family.
yes - eventually i got hospitalized for alcohol poisoning if you want to know.
and yes i grew up. moved up in advertising.
one day i woke up and thought - i'm going to work my ass off and won't stop until i become regional director! so i put my head down and worked, and worked, and worked like i was devil possessed. and i did become regional director. lived on planes and shopped like mad. totally fell in love with being on the mailing list of prada. forgot about loving and living - and basically just worked. popped pills to sleep, popped pills to wake up. popped pills to stop crying. popped pills to relax. ended up such an angry, burntout mess who was demanding an answer to the question 'if this is supposed to be the fabulous life, why the hell am i so miserable?!!!!'
quit advertising and just drifted aimlessly for a bit. realized i needed to heal my body and my soul and purge the anger that too long had become my life force. but i didn't know how.
i joined meditation classes. made friends with reiki healers. went to pujas at tibetan temples where i ogled the hot lama priest (one track mind this girl....) took long drives in my gas guzzling chick mobile...created this valentine's day campaign with lize size posters of half naked men in a conservative chinese department store. started writing again and still continue to do so.
my aimless wandering found me in london where finally the aimlessness of my wandering reached rock bottom. i met this doctor who told me to get off the pills and made me lay on a couch once a week in a therapist's office for two years. it was awkward at first and then one day i just started to cry. the minute i did, it became a tidal wave. i couldn't stop crying. and crying and crying. finally it seemed like the dam had finally burst and the more i cried, the anger inside me started to burn out. i started to feel better and lighter. the more i cried, the less angry i felt until one day i was all cried out. the anger was gone and for a time, i was just empty. i reckon if all you've ever been was angry, you forget how to feel all those other feelings.
got laid off when the recession hit. moved into a flat beside the river thames and walked by parliament and big ben on the way to work to sell overpriced makeup at this posh store. got into business school. saw too many museum exhibits and often wondered at the roller coaster that was my life.
what the hell was i thinking? i wasn't.
i was just doing what i wanted to do at the moment, whatever the moment was. while my friends were planning on getting married, having babies and buying houses - i was out buying shoes and bags and books and raising my golden retriever.
remember my friend who said he reminded me of dandelions? they grow where the dandelion seed falls from the wind. when they come out of the ground and flower, you can only admire them from where they stand - you can't pick them because the moment you touch them, the fluff will fly away. he was right in a sense.
my aimless wandering has reached rock bottom. i'm ready to stop being the dandelion.
besides, dandelion fluff gives people hay fever. who wants to give people hay fever?
not me.
i was very sad the past three years. i could not explain the why's and wheretofores. i was just sad. i actually forgot the sound of my own maniacal laughter. and unlike before where everything i touched turned to gold, it seemed like everything i touched turned to quicksand.
i thank my lucky stars i happen to have the luck of the devil. i was born with a caul. superstition has it that children born with a caul (known as 'caul bearer') are born with this lucky streak. no matter how thick the quicksand seems i am always, always able to get out. and i get out the winner. in a sense, i don't really know how to lose. life is more than happy to give me everything i want and need - even the ones that i didn't think i wanted but ended up needing anyway.
right - the quicksand episodes are fading. two months ago, i was alone in the flat watching this inane show on the telly. then i heard this maniacal laugh. it was so strange i thought it was coming from somewhere when i realized it was coming from me.
my body felt lighter than it ever had in years. and i laughed and i laughed. alone but the memory of that afternoon with the first genuine laugh i had in three years still lights me up. there are still many things i need to deal with that we must do because we are adults and we have to mind things like rent and bills and sleeping.
its an incredibly creative time now for me as i re-shape and reclaim my life.
i realize, i may be turning 38 but in reality i am still just 24 with the whole world at my feet and the magic wand is still in my hand. and just for spite, let me tell you that i am re-shaping my life in the best shape i have ever been - fucking skinny as hell and the legs are still as hot as ever.
i am also still ever so feisty and funny and you guessed it - still ever so slightly bat-shit crazy.
i take comfort in the fact that life has always been and always will be on my terms. i don't think a lot of people can make that claim for themselves.
so looking forward to more adventures in my life. i look forward to living, eating, laughing, working, creating and loving and being loved.
happy birthday you christmas baby you!
happy birthday to me.
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