Speechless, Spineless, Grinning Idiot called...Me.....

i came face to face again with twitterman. to those who know who he is count yourself among the lucky 5. to those who don't know him...well that is life. we all must keep a few secrets to ourselves.

amazingly after a loooong spell. he remembered me. he asked how i was - and stood there DUMBSTRUCK. i couldn't say ANYTHING. the queen of snappy comebacks was absolutely rendered SPEECHLESS...and all i could think of was 'Jilly - you are a USELESS, SPINELESS, TOOOO BADLY CRUSHING ON HIM GIRL!!!!'

i think he may have started working out - where he finds the time out of his incessantly long hours is a major question. all i could think of when i saw him was 'OMG he's filled out!!!! he's broader, put on about 10 pounds of muscle in his shoulders and arms....THUD (fainting spell at this point)

listen this man is already BEAUTIFUL to begin with - seeing a filled out version of him was like appreciating a tenderloin steak which had morphed into rib-eye.

and i DIDN'T HAVE ANYTHING REMOTELY WITTY OR FUNNY TO SAY. and what did i eventually say? 'How are you?'

LOSER.

i stood there and grinned at him like a girl. and he grinned happily back. i could read his thought balloon 'She has such a BAAAADDDDD crush on me'. and my thought balloon was 'I have such a BAAADDDDD crush on you- you beautiful walking rib-eye steak of a man!!!!!'

so after 5 minutes of grinning and small talk i mustered all the energy i had to pretend to walk away nonchalantly - like my insides hadn't turned into quivering jelly. i was willing my knees to 'WALK! WALK! WALK!'.

the whole tube ride back home, i kept hitting my head on the wall in my mind. STUPID, STUPID, STUPID girl!!!! i am such a GIRL!!!!!

God help me...I just don't know what to do with myself...and Twitterman...LOL!!!!

Random Missiles: Strictly for Adults Only

like most filipina girls, i went to an all girls catholic school. one of the things they emphasized was that premarital sex was vile and immoral. they also taught us about confession. basically after you confess you become a virgin again. so while premarital sex was vile and immoral - you can always depend on confession to re-virginize yourself. if that doesn't turn a girl into a believer - i don't know what will.

when a few friends of mine visited london, i introduced them to this cooking show that featured this hot chef. his name is aaron craze and he is a jaime oliver protege. aaron is very good looking in a jesus christ sort of way - specially his eyes. this is why i called him jesus chef. i told my friend - hey if you land him, jesus chef will show you what heaven is all about. i totally scandalized him with my jesus chef jokes. but no matter - there is always confession.

i know why confession was invented. it was invented because all the priests then hundreds of centuries ago were male. all they wanted to hear was 'bless me father for i have been a very, very bad girl...these are my sins....'

honestly it has crossed my mind several times - what would happen if i tried to do a confession in a voice like those women who work on phone sex lines? i am sure i wouldn't be the first to have tried.

sometimes i do wonder about this whole is God a He or a She? my catholic programming makes me go on auto pilot with using He/Him but for all I know He/She could actually be gay and may actually prefer instead to be called Diva. THE Diva. Which of course He/She really is. I mean isn't the fact that photos of the universe are always tinged with a purple and pink haze against a black sky dotted with sparkling stars a clue?

we have to concede though whoever stood in as model for His/Her/THE Diva's picture as we know it now had an amazing head of hair. and perfect five o-clock shadow. good job to whoever the casting director was.

i know you are either laughing at this or shuddering at my irreverence. my total comfort with the whole thing is exactly the point. my God understands the humor with which i am dispensing all this with.

in fact, He's probably laughing thinking there she goes - exactly as i made her.

as to those who will contradict me, it doesn't really matter. if thinking i have the horrifying humor of someone whose been inbred makes you happy then go ahead.

all i know is no matter what, my God loves me. incidentally you mother effing haters, He/She/THE Diva loves you too.

unconditionally.