my friend kumuda and i belong to the very rare group of people called flypaper for freaks. we both attract all sorts of weird people and weird experiences that can only be described as freaky and freakish. they say you attract who you are - i guess then we attract freaks because we are.
freakish in very strange ways - some just weird, some wonderful.
when i was on the make-up counter one day there was this woman with a very thick eastern european imperial accent. she had on this large leopard print coat, big blond hair (she could have come from texas), red lipstick, killer stilettos and slightly overweight by one hundred pounds. she walks up to me, i greet her happily 'hello - welcome to the dolce and gabbana make-up temple'. she imperiously declares 'i WANT this lipstick called passion. i WILL buy it now!'. i tell her politely 'i am sorry madam, you must want the lipgloss as we don't have it in a lipstick form'. she shoots me dagger looks, i am afraid at this point she will murder me by sitting on me. she starts screaming 'how dare you tell me no!!! my friend came here to buy it! she just bought it!!! i WANT the lipstick!!! I WANT the lipstick called PASSION!!!!'
at this point i could feel my alter ego called Ursula (if you don't know her she was cast as the evil witch in Little Mermaid) trying to come out to deal with this Texan haired woman with the eastern european imperial accent but i squashed the impulse.
i tell her 'ok madam, i might be wrong of course. shall we check the display to see if we have the shade you want?' so i walk her to the display stand. she suddenly declares angrily 'NO! NO! NO!!! I want Chanel!! Chanel!!!! Not Dolce and Gabbana!!!'
Ursula desperately wants to cackle loudly in this woman's face 'and what was it about Welcome to DOLCE AND GABBANA that you didn't understand???!!!!!' but of course not.
I simply politely look at the sign on the archway above her blond bouffant. She follows my eyes to the giant, golden, gleaming sign above our counter that read DOLCE AND GABBANA. I then look back at her and this time Ursula is in full force, staring at her eye to eye. Texan bouffant with a central european accent walks off in a huff.....
On another day, a woman keeps circling the make-up floor. each time she passes our counter, she starts looking more and more irritated. finally, on the 8th time she passes our counter, i smile at her and stopped her gently 'hi - do you need help to find a department?' she stops and angrily declares 'my god!!!! i've been walking round and round this shop trying to find the new make-up and i JUST CAN'T find it!!! you'd think they'd bother to put up signs!!!'
again, Ursula is desperate to cackle 'perhaps you just can't read?!!!' but again, i squash her away and summon my other alter ego Sedated Buttercup (who is ALWAYS NICE because she is perpetually on medication). Sedated Buttercup asks sweetly, 'which make-up brand is that?'. angry woman declares 'Dolce and Gabbana!!!!'
Sedated Buttercup (who was running low on medication at that time) promptly says 'Well Madame if you turn your head slightly one inch to the left, you will see their sign' the customer has the grace to look embarassed and i turn the situation around with the best, most cheerful, high on ritalin greeting from Sedated Buttercup 'Welcome to the Dolce and Gabbana make-up Temple!!! Shall we try a lipstick today?!!!!'
then i got moved to the fragrance counter. last week a woman came up to me with her boyfriend. she then declares 'i'm looking to buy myself a fragrance but i'm having difficulty. i don't want anything that is floral, fruity, citrusy, ambery, woodsy or musky and i want it to be light, refreshing, soft, strong, elegant, with impact and lasts a very long time.' this time, i cannot stop ursula.
ursula says 'i think you missed out on the 'it must also cure cancer and spread world peace' part of the fragrance'. her boyfriend laughs his head off at my quip. she however gives me the stare of death. he stops laughing as she shoots him a second death stare.
sedated buttercup quickly takes over from ursula. 'well we have the perfect new scent for you! from issey miyake called 'a scent' it's fresh and clean, like stepping out of the shower!'. i quickly hand her the bottle. she takes a sniff and is transformed....'OMG!!! this smells amazing!!!!' i leave the customer quickly in the hands of the guys at issey miyake.
sometimes, i myself wonder at the amazing team work of ursula and sedated buttercup.
there are exceptions though when ursula and sedated buttercup just shut up and wonder at the marvel of life being stranger than fiction.
on another day, a woman, who looked about mid 50s to me comes to the counter. she ignores my stylists (most of whom are gorgeous young girls with amazing hair and make-up) and makes a beeline for me.
she asks me to do her makeover. so i do so. i cannot help but feel this wave of sadness coming from this woman. as i start doing her make-up she starts telling me she is on the way to watch a musical and to a wonderful dinner with her daughter, that she rarely comes to london and that the only reason why she has come is she is sending her daughter off to heathrow tomorrow to university in san francisco. tonight is the last mother-daughter bonding session they will have as she will be away for three years.
we chat some more about her daughter and her son. then while i am doing her eyes,she reveals her daughter is 21 and her son is 23. she has been married for 24 years and when she sends her daughter off, she will be alone again in the house with her husband. she suddenly quiets down and her eyes start to water 'my children don't know i am divorcing my husband. i have waited to do this until my daughter left as i didn't want to break her heart. if i told her before she left, she never will go and i don't want her to sacrifice her dreams because i am leaving their father.'
'my husband won't touch me nor even look at me anymore because i am fat and old. when i touch him in bed, even the slightest, he is repulsed by me. i've put up with it because i didn't want to hurt my children but now that they have their own lives now, i'm going to take my life back. i refuse to be unloved. i refuse to stay with a man who doesn't love me anymore. that is why i am leaving him after all these years'. her tears starts to well in her eyes and i constantly dab the corners of her eyes with q-tips. my own eyes start to well but i hold them back. ursula and sedated buttercup are nowhere to be found. i excuse myself on the pretense i have to get another eyeshadow palette and use the moment to squeeze under the drawers to dab my eyes and quickly blow my nose from the tears i was holding back.
'when i made the decision to leave him two months ago, i kept remembering an old boyfriend i used to have for some strange reason. he was the greatest love of my life - but we broke up and i haven't seen nor spoken to him since for 18 years. but on the day i told my husband, i just thought maybe i would try and find him again. so i called an old friend of mine who knew my ex-boyfriend and guess what? she was living five houses away from him.'
'she gave me his email and phone number. i don't know why but i just picked up the phone and called him. he answered. and before i knew it, we met again. ironically, he and his wife were in the middle of their own divorce.'
'before i knew it, we started doing things together. two weeks from now, we're both going on a motorbike trip of europe. and we're also going to cuba three months from now. we're both doing things we've always wanted to do when we were younger and it's ironic that we've found each other again after all these years. strangely i think if we ended up together when we were young, we never would have made it. i don't know why but i have this strange conviction that we were meant to find each other again but this time, i know we are going to work out.'
i tell her how proud i am of her for being an incredible mother. i tell her how beautiful she is inside and out and that she is worthy of every single bit of happiness in this world. i tell her someday, i wish i will find a love as exciting and fulfilling as she has. i also tell her, nothing in this world is ever a coincidence. 'two people who are destined to meet do so apparently by chance, at exactly the right time' (ralph waldo emerson).
she pays for her makeover and leaves, somewhat a bit embarassed that she has told her life's story to a complete stranger. i run to the loo, sit in the toilet for a bit, crying and blowing my nose and ursula and sedated buttercup quietly sit and cry with me.
flypaper for freaks.....
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