(this is the obligatory food shot to give credence that this blog is not just about my rants but also about food. it has nothing to do with the thoughts written down in this post. i also had nothing to do with the food in the picture. this is Chef and head chef in action, and this is only a partially plated food shot. these people are AMAZING.)1. brunoise 3 shallots. this means ultra, ultra, fine dice. micro cubes. by hand. it took me an hour and the shallot dice was ten times larger than they should have been. and i sliced my thumb. ben brunoises the shallots in two minutes - ultra, ultra, ultra fine dice i.e. miniscule micro cubes.
2. clean cauliflower. this means separate the florets into equal sized portions the size of my thumb nail. and trim the stems. i try to do the damn thing and before i knew it, i had pulverized the two whole cauliflower heads and i had only three perfect florets to show for it. plus i stabbed my middle finger in the process. they never made me clean cauliflower again.
3. pick herbs. tarragon, mint, coriander and basil. basically the job is to pick the prettiest looking leaves and put them into tiny bowls. i was really, really, really good at this at the first try. this is why they make me do this everyday now. on my third day dane allowed me to finely chop the parsley. it usually takes him 2 minutes to turn the parlsey leaves into almost powder. it took me twenty minutes.
4. pick samphire. this is a weed which grows wild in the salt marshes which used to be poor people's food as anyone can forage for it for free. however, as the chefs have grown crazy about them, they have been elevated to designer swamp weed food status. it has a mildly, mildly, mildly salty taste. it looks like micro asparagus. basically i pick the nice looking ones and put them into bowls again. it's like being asked to go through this bunch of bermuda grass leaves and picking out the most perfect looking ones, of the same length and separating them from the ugly ones. again i am very good at this so everyday i do this.
5. peel and de-seed grapes. one kilo everyday. they must retain their shape and you have to keep as much of the white flesh on. they're muscat grapes and they taste amazing. i peel them one by fucking one. grape juice drips down my hands and knife handle and as they are amazingly sweet, turn my hands into one big sticky mess. to make the job quicker, i eat the really small ones and only peel the large ones of roughly the same size. and when i have only five left, i eat them all and declare the job finished.
6. segment oranges. i am really good at this. you peel away all the pith and peel and then go through the sections one by one to separate them. you must handle them gently lest they fall apart. this task will help you discover all the little stab wounds and flesh wounds you have sort of forgotten about. ditto when asked to squeeze lemons and limes.
7. make apple balls. first peel 12 apples. take a melon baller and turn out perfect apple balls. out of one apple, you will only get 8 balls. what do you do with the apples then that are left with all the holes? you eat them or throw them out. i eat one and then chuck the rest into the bin while praying 'please God forgive me for throwing away this food for they made me do it'.
(sarah the pastry chef plating the dessert. the apple balls are cooked in caramel)9. make ginger confit. slice the ginger into equal lengths. peel them and then again slice super thin with a mandolin. after that, slice by hand into perfect little strips half the size of a match stick. then blanch into boiling sugar syrup. then plunge into ice water. repeat process 7 times. then place ginger strips into container and cover with syrup. label properly. what do they do with the ginger? they place three of these strips onto the ice cream for one of the desserts. honestly i feel for ben and sarah - the pastry chefs.
10. wash off the salt and spice cure on the venison. with cold (i.e. freezing water) as the hot water will cook the surface of the meat which you don't want to do. doing this after peeling grapes will make your hands ache with arthritic pain. after thoroughly washing off the salt cure which takes about 5 minutes per surface of the meat, you have to pat the meat dry with paper towels. it takes about 10 feet of those damned industrial strength towels to dry them.
11. toast the bread. or flash it in the oven as they say. and rush the bread bin to the pass. i was alright at it and i have the oven burns on the back of my hands to prove it.
my feet feel like lead. my hands are covered with cuts, nicks and burns. and i still went back for the third day to face my first dinner service.....
i refuse to post photos of my kitchen wounds......
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