I Just Don't Know What To Do With Myself

eleven days after sasha has passed away, i am still feeling much like a big piece of s@£%t. i suppose its because i didn't have time to cry myself out. pretty much like getting the wind knocked out of you and the minute you draw your first breath you get shoved off onto the starting line of a bloody marathon, the gun fires and you're off. you kind of start running automatically without your brain telling you how. but you don't notice anyone you pass by and you don't really see anything. until that little auto switch pilot in your brain says MUST STOP and you want to drop into a heap right there in the middle of the marathon but you can't. you have to find the right timing and the right exit out of the marathon so people don't think you're some raving lunatic.

having to go to work this past week was sheer utter hell. i was fine until the last two days of work and then i started uravelling. i realized i had been using up all my energy to hold myself together the past few days until my holiday came up. my last day of work i just unravelled.

sasha passing away opened up a whole can of worms. i am drowning in this sea of guilt that i only saw her four times in the past three years. i am drowing in guilt that pretty much of her time with me, i was always going away somewhere, leaving her. i was always going away for whatever reason arrogantly knowing she would always be there waiting for me. even for the last time, i went away again thinking she was going to be fine. and before i knew it she was gone.

i suppose, she was my little anchor in this world. that no matter where i went, no matter how far away i flew and no matter how long away i stayed, i would always find her there waiting for me. and knowing her, she always was.

my brother loved her very, very much too, more than he loves his own dog, kozo i suspect. but no matter how much sasha loved my brother, she would always be back with me when i went home.

i am drowing in guilt for all those times my family would tell me how much sasha missed me when i went away - how she would walk into my room, sniff my pillows and my sheets and look up at them as if to ask 'where has she gone again?' i am drowning in guilt for all those times when i would be flying out to somewhere - the minute the trolley was out, she would then refuse to look at me or even come near me when i would try to say goodbye. eventually she would come over to me when it looked imminent that i would have to walk out the door. and she would come to me with her head hung low and when i walked out the door, she would stand up to look at me through the screen door looking at me with those eyes asking when i would be back.

in her last moments, my brother took the shirt i last wore before i left which was lying on the floor and used it to cradle her head. my mom said sasha kept trying to turn her head towards my shirt even if she no longer could move.

i feel like the world's biggest piece of shit - that my dog whom i professed to love with all that i had, died lying on my shirt while i was on the other side of the ocean.

for all of the adventures i always have been chasing after, for all the experiences i told myself i didn't want to miss, for all the attempts to find myself and my dreams - i lost out on being with the one who loved me for me.

sasha didn't care about my adventures, sasha didn't think better of me because of my experiences. sasha didn't care that i still don't know who i am and that i still don't know what to do with myself. all she wanted was me and i feel like a prized idiot that i went halfway round the world trying to look for something that i already had, one that i had left behind.

i still can't throw out the information file i kept on animal importation to the UK. i always used to thumb through it every now and then because i was always planning how to get her here.

i know, eventually, i will learn to live with this all. but in the meantime, i suppose it is alright if i just let myself be. i think its just appropriate if i say, right now, for the time being, i just don't know what to do with myself.