Your Thoughts Now

am writing this because in one of those daily inspiration sites i subscribe to, they sent me this line saying - write down your thoughts now as the unsolicited words are often the richest.

i don't know necessarily if my thoughts now are exactly rich but here goes....

i should stop having these late night dinners coming home from the late shift. while it hasn't happened yet, i am continually plagued by thoughts of getting fat from these late night binges.

i haven't written anything in ages. i have lists of articles and topics i want to write about. bits and pieces of research, initial ideas for the book my good friends are telling me to write but they remain nothing more than bits and pieces of ideas. i am deluged with the daily tasks of living like laundry, work, eating late night dinners after coming home late.

i am starting to get bothered that i am unable to sleep without taking painkillers. i am also bothered by the fact that i actually get excited about taking my painkillers before sleep and look forward to that wonderful drowsiness that overtakes me.

i am still missing my sasha very much. only now, i miss her knowing i will never see her again. it is a double whammy of a miss session and i still cry buckets when i am alone.

i am feeling quite down, vulnerable and lost yet again. i try to tell myself how far i have come and how much i have achieved thus far but it seems like a hollow victory. i don't know why.

i tell myself to stop driving myself dizzy with things to do and wait for the answer to come. that is the problem. i am not very good with waiting.

praying - i have been doing more of it and i am also feeling better because of it. and meditating. sometimes ten minutes is all my mind can take and trying to be silent and one with the moment is very much a struggle. so i just take the ten minutes when i can and don't beat myself up about it.

thinks twitterman is actually very boring even though he is very good looking. a bit of a doofus as well. but still...a very good looking one. lol!

is going to start dieting tomorrow. will cut back on carbs because i am afraid of getting fat with all these late night dinners. and will lessen those 'i deserve all this ice cream because i am very, very tired, i feel quite down, lost and vulnerable' moments.

i am starting to feel sleepy now. the painkiller pill beckons.....til tomorrow....