You Know You Are a Woman When...

you are down to your last 80 pounds, it is five days away from your next payday but when you find the pair of kurt geiger boots you've been lusting for on sale, marked down to £80 from the original £180 because YOUR size happens to be the LAST pair they have and they just want to get rid of it, you GLADLY fork over the money.

you try on 2 sizes of jeans - one which is slightly too small and your muffin top belly is sort of hanging over the edge and one fits you just right but of course the fact that it is a larger size than what you tell people you are just bothers you to death. you take half an hour dilly-dallying in the fitting room as to which one to take, you wisely take the larger size because muffin top bellies horrify you but right when you are at the till, you walk out of the line, grab the smaller size pair, you quickly run out of the shop once they have bagged it and you immediately tell yourself 'right NO carbs for the month'. you then spend the remainder of the day torturing yourself with thoughts of all those times you shoved cake in your mouth when your brain was telling you STOP.

you have several pairs of granny panties which you wear when you have your period because they hold your pads firmly, they're super comfy because they hug your cramping woman's belly and heck there is ABSOLUTELY no chance your man will catch you wearing them because it's that time of the month.

you intuitively know the difference between beige, cream, eggshell, taupe, off-white and champagne.

you always keep checking out other women's bodies and you always tell yourself 'wow at least i don't have her saddlebag thighs/bulging belly/flabby arms/fat legs/droopy boobs'

every time you see a woman with a better bag than yours, you want to rip it away from her and hit her on the head with it. several times.

you can psychically feel pain in your feet when you see another woman trying to rock the latest 7 inch gladiletto (the gladiator-stilletto) but is miserably failing with every mincing step she takes.

you can spot the woman wearing spanx under her clothes without the help of infrared vision goggles.

you stop to hold open the door for another woman pushing her baby pram with one hand while holding her toddler's hand in another. you also chastise the man sitting on the tube to get up and give the pregnant woman standing beside you his seat.

you never go back to the shop where you, in the effort to be friendly, asked the shop assistant 'when is the baby due?' and she told you 'i'm not pregnant actually'. in fact recalling the memory makes you go beet red.

you want to take every crying child and lonely puppy into your arms, make them feel safe and loved and spoil them rotten for the rest of their lives - and you want Clive Owen to do the same for you.

you LOVE, ADORE and WORSHIP Oprah.

you order a diet coke because a regular coke is just WAY too much to go with the double-double-bacon-double cheese-onion ring burger with supersize fries with garlic-mayo dip.

you like to mess with your man's head by asking him 'damned with whatever the response will be' questions like 'do my jeans make my bum look saggy?', 'is my eyeshadow even?', 'does my lipstick make my teeth look yellower?', 'does my new hair color make my skin look sallow?'

you decide what starter and entree to order by first looking at the dessert menu.

you end up coming in late to work because the outfit you decided to wear last night was too tight in the morning because of PMS bloating, which irritated the hell out of you, which made you rip out all the clothes in your closet and scatter all over the bed and the floor in the desperate attempt to find something suitable to wear, which made you angrier, which made you pull out your FAT trousers and FAT top, which you then decided to wear for work, which made you MISERABLE because they make you feel fat, which makes you even angrier because you came in to work late and you spend the rest of the day feeling angry, miserable, tardy and FAT.

you read my entire list and laughed your head off at every single one of them, screaming 'OH MY GOD THAT IS SOOOOOOOO TRUE!!!!!!!!!!!! I CAN SOOOOOOOOOO RELATE TO IT'.